What's in Your Koi Pond?
by Dark Natsu
Summary: An evil scientist has decided to take over Japan through the use of. . .bloodthirsty Koi! How does this affect our Meiji Era heroes and can they stop this scientist from succeeding? Some OOCness, but then where would be the humor without it.
1. Water Critters of Doom

A/N: This is just a wacky fic brought about by a phone conversation that I had with my friend, Monique. No end to this in sight as of yet, but that doesn't mean there isn't one. Be warned there is slight OOCness (out of character) from some characters, mostly our strongest fighters because Monique likes to torture them so. So on with the fic.

Disclaimer: Must you remind me? I don't own Rurouni Kenshin. However, this doesn't mean we can't "play" with them for a few quick chuckles, ne?

**_This story is dedicated to Kasumi-chan - a.k.a. ChowaChocho-chan, the wind beneath my wings._**

**Prologue**

**The Evil Plot**

A cackling shadowed figure stood over a vile filled with green bubbling liquid.

"It's complete!" a high-pitched voice triumphantly screamed over the creation. "It's finally complete!"

"What **_is_** it?" a curious and slightly skeptical voice came from behind.

"Tea." stated the first simply as she lifted the string out of the vile to reveal the soaked herbal bag dripping it's last bit of flavor.

"I hate you, Sakana. I really, trully, no-sedative-included hate you."

"Now, now, Mizu. Blood pressure," the evil scientist reminded.

A blood vessel could be seen breaking the surface of Mizu's forehead, but she quickly calmed herself. _This is okay. This is all okay. As long as she doesn't try to take over the world again, I'll be okay._

"Anyhoo," she continued. "I've got this really nifty plan to take over Japan."

Mizu visibly twitched, a look of doom on her face. "What?"

"Yeah," Sakana beamed. "After my brilliant, although failed, world takeover plan with the Rabid Snapping Turtles of Doom(r) my therapist, no vision whatsoever, suggested I aim for smaller goals in life."

Ah yes. Mizu remembered the snapping turtles of doom. In particular a fiesty amphibious hellion by the name of Jaws. Her hand involuntarily rubbed a soar spot on her bum. She had favored sitting on her left side ever since. . .

Sakana, raising a skeptical eyebrow to her assistant who seemed to her to be experiencing constipation, snapped Mizu out of her painful reverie asking "Tell me, Mizu, what does every Meiji Era Japanese home have?"

Mizu thought seriously for a moment before perking up and stating smartly "A grudge for Battousai!"

(WHACK!)

"OW! What?" Mizu complained after Sakana equally smartly thwacked her on the head with a poetry book. She never did like that Haiku stuff. . .

"Koi ponds, you idiot! Koi ponds!" Sakana straightened herself up and put the book down to begin her vivid explanation that Mizu was sure she wasn't going to like. The evil scientist became animated as she grabbed the vile next to her "tea."

"All we have to do is sneak into the koi food factory in Kyoto and sneak this into the formula. It will transform all plump peaceful koi into psychotic bloodthirsty carnivours. Therefore rendering everybody in this country helpless as I take control. Grand idea, yes? Mwahahaha!"

Mizu grabbed the tender flesh of her "upper-thigh area". _Oh no you don't,_ she swore to herself_, not this time._ She had to somehow stop Sakana and her obvious obsession with snapping water critters.

That night, Mizu switched the "psycho koi" vile with an unkown one. Anything had to be better than carnivorous koi. However, she found herself at a rather difficult junction. How to get rid of it?

"Mizu! Did you get the vile yet?" Sakana yelled from the front door, impatiently tapping her foot. "Taking over the wor- I mean . . uh, taking over Japan won't wait!"

Mizu had always been a simple girl.

"Be right there!" she yelled back.

She chucked the vile out the window. Problem solved. Or so it seemed. . .

-

A/N: Yes, yes. I'm fully aware that the Kenshin-gumi have not made their appearance yet, but please have patience with me and read on. I know my original characters aren't much, although I find myself strangely attached to Sakana (the psychotic little troublemaker). Please review! If you don't I'll send the entire third squadron of rabid snapping turtles of doom lead by Jaws himself! MWAHAHAHAHA!

Japanese terms:

Battousai - Kenshin's nickname during the war when he was a manslayer.

Haiku - Japanese poetry.

Sakana - Translated means "fish" (aren't I original?)

Mizu - Translated means "water" (yup. thought so.)


	2. Koi Catastrophe

A/N: Oh! You're still reading, huh? Well, this was my favorite chapter to write. Originally, it was supposed to be two seperate chapters, but the prologue was so darn short. . . well, let's just say I couldn't bring myself to do it to my readers. You deserve better. Now don't you love me? I brought in the Kenshin-gumi and more! YAY! Let the torture begin for your favorite characters.

Disclaimer: Oh. . . yeah. Well, my day was going great. I don't own the red-headed retired manslayer and his group of misfits of society or much else for that matter, but I have my pride. . . . sigh. . . .my lawyer has just informed me that I no longer own that as well. . . . sniff. . . . I need a pixy stick. . . .

**Chapter 1**

**Koi Catastrophe**

After hanging the laundry to dry, our favorite red-head decided for once to just relax. He was the only one home today and soaked in the sweet and melodious sound of silence. Aaaww. Felt good.

Next he decided to take in the smells. . . Oh yeah. Kaoru cooked last night. Let's try something else.

Violet eyes took in every detail of the dojo yard. The green grass soothingly danced with the breeze. The butterflies flipped from flower to flower with seemingly no effort. The belly-up koi in the sparkling pond. . .

"Oro!"

Kenshin raced to the pond's edge. The other three finned little swimmers were energetically doing just that, but the fish that had caught Kenshin's attention in the first place remained motionless, tummy to the sky. At first there was panic, but like most skilled martial artists of his day, our Kenshin was logical. If innocent until proven guilty, then alive until proven dead, right?

Kenshin poked the exposed belly with a nearby twig. Nothing.

Either this one had recently been introduced to Sanosuke's new blend of sake. . . Kenshin quickly shook his head. Both in remembrance of when **_he_** had his first initiation drink of the potent liquid, and because he knew he was becoming desperate for excuses.

Kenshin gave a sigh of defeat and, with the use of the twig, turned the fish over to identify the corpse.

"Oh, Albert. . ."

You could always tell Albert by the little red dot on the top of his head. How could this happen? Why did Albert die? He was Kaoru's favorite.

Kaoru had told him to feed the koi an hour ago, but surely a little tardiness couldn't result in this. Besides, if that were the case, the other fish would've died too. It must have been some other reason.

With these thoughts in mind, Kenshin walked over to the cupboard where Kaoru stored the koi's food. It may be too late for one, but there were still three puckering mouths to feed. As the ex-hitokiri was reaching in for the little pellets, a slip of paper caught his attention. He plucked the paper from the cupboard and began scanning the characters quickly scrawled across it.

The rurouni's complexion turned deathly pale and his eyes widened to an unbelievable width. All thoughts of this whole mess not being his fault just jumped off the nearest cliff with a loud and clear "Jeranimoh!" And he was tempted to join them.

"Kami-sama," Kenshin strained. "She's going to kill me."

-

Aoshi Shinomori walked peacefully through his Zen garden, free of distractions as it should be. The former Okashira closed his eyes softly and listened to the distant bluebirds sing their beautiful lovesongs. The fresh spring breeze even played with the loose strands of his dark hair, making it dance along with loose folds of his yukata.

Yep. Silence.

_Ploop._

Aoshi twitched slightly at the new and unwelcome sound that disturbed his balance, his chi.

_Ploop. Ploop._

Ironically enough, the sound was close. Aoshi looked down and to his right. Right into the koi pond.

The koi Okina kept were huge and ancient. Unfortunately for Aoshi, so were their groping mouths. The huge puckering openings broke the surface of the water, making that sound. Aoshi raised a skeptical eyebrow as he could swear that the scaled beings were expecting him to **_do_** something.

"Would you like to help me feed the koi, Aoshi."

The former Okashira turned to face a beaming Okina, a bag of pellets in his hand. Before Aoshi could politely decline, however, the cheerful old man placed a portion of the food in his hand and turned to feed the eager mouths. Aoshi observed Okina intently, still keeping a firm grip on the pellets he had received.

"You know, Aoshi," Okina said in between feedings. "Keeping your emotions pent up like this isn't healthy for you. I understand your meditation doesn't leave much time for social engagements, but you need some sort of outlet."

"What are you getting at?" Aoshi asked bluntly.

"Well," Okina faltered at first, thinking of a solution. "If you don't feel comfortable talking about your emotions to the people around you, then, as silly as it may sound, try an inanimate object. Anything to-"

"No."

"Huh?"

Aoshi turned his back on the old man and continued. "I only hold meaningful conversations. Which is why this one has ended."

Okina heaved a defeated sigh and wiped the remaining crumbs off of his hands before walking away, but not before mumbling something about strange blue koi food. . .

Aoshi harrumphed. The very idea! He still had his dignity after all. The last thing he needed was the Battousai walking in on him crying to a teddy bear named Binky-san because he was still working through the emotional trauma of never reaching his goal of becoming the strongest fighter in Japan. . . . . .which he wasn't.

"Stupid . . .mumble . . . Battousai. If we would've fought in the revolution . . . mumble. . .grumble . . ." Aoshi forced between gritted teeth.

"What would've happened if you had fought in the revolution?"

Aoshi blinked at the unexpected voice added to the conversation he was having with himself. He quickly searched the grounds to find them empty, except for Misao practicing her Kunai in the distance, but she was too far away. Perhaps if he heard the voice again. . .

"The Oniwabanshu would have started a grand fire in Tokyo, destroying the central government and assuring us victory and the title of the strongest!" Aoshi may have gotten a little passionate with his words, but the voice did respond.

". . . . Uh-huh. . . What's a fire?"

"A fire is-" Realization hit our former Okashira like a sledgehammer as his ears guided him to the trickling of water at his feet. Oh yes. Aoshi Shinomori was holding a conversation with a huge multi-colored koi. At this discovery, Aoshi very much resembled his scaled companion, for his mouth hung wide open for the world to see.

"Oh, how rude of me," the koi continued after the long silence. "We haven't been formerly introduced. My name is Anzen. . ."

At this point, Aoshi was teetering on the very edge of his sanity, just waiting for something to give him the extra push needed to send him sailing into the depths of madness.

". . . But you can call me Binky-san."

And so came the mental shove into insanity.

-

Misao focused every one of her senses on the straw dummy, kunai ready. The teenager's body coiled, ready to release the energy on a moments notice. Then, all at once she leaped into the air.

"AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Kunai went everywhere except the intended target. As Misao landed and tried to keep her heart within the confines of her chest, she immediately searched for the owner of that high pitched squeal. It had to be female.

"Omasu!" Misao called out.

The summoned female ninja appeared with a scowl. "I hope you're happy!" she yelled, holding out a kunai-skewered chicken on a platter. "That was today's special order!" Omasu slammed the shoji behind her.

"Ochika!" Misao called out once more.

Again, a sour face poked out from behind a shoji. "You and your accursed kunai!" came the upset tone.

"What did I hit this time?"

"The rump of all things!" came the reply.

"Heh heh. Sorry about the food," Misao apologized as she bowed slightly.

"Who said anything about food!" The shoji slammed shut again, leaving a very disturbed and wide-eyed Misao.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

There it was again. Misao turned to her left. The ninja girl had to rub her eyes **_hard_** to make sure she was seeing correctly. Right there, in the Zen garden before her very eyes, her Aoshi-sama was running around in tight circles with his arms flailing in the air, blue pellets raining, and his insane screams somewhat akin to that of a schoolgirl on helium.

Misao's shoulder's slumped. Perhaps meditation fried one too many brain cells in the poor man's noggin. Or maybe there's something in that tea he drinks. . .

-

A/N: Again, I fully enjoyed writing this chapter. Especially Aoshi's little number. Poor Aoshi. I torture him so. I'm not sure when to bring my original characters back in, but they have to come back, it's part of the storyline. Oh well. I just do whatever the sugar tells me to do. Please review! Or. . . or. . . .I'll sic Binky-san on you. Aoshi: "Aaaaaahhhhh!" 0.0

Japanese Terms:

Rurouni - wanderer (roughly)  
Sake - Japanese rice wine  
Okashira - Title given to the leader of the Oniwabanshu.  
Kunai - Those little dagger thingies that Misao always chucks around.  
Shoji - Japanese rice paper screens that slide open and closed.  
Kami-sama - God.  
-san - Honorific that means Mr.  
-sama - Honorific that, in this case, was translated into Lord. Higher than -san.  
Hitokiri - Manslayer  
Oro - Kenshin's trademark exclamation.


	3. Albert

A/N: HA! Bet you thought you were rid of me. I got to torture "Mr. Double Kodachi" in the last chapter, but now it's time to pass the baton. Don't despair. That isn't the last of Aoshi. I also plan to drag other characters into my madness in the future. Oh the horror of my schemes. . .

Disclaimer: I don't own Rurouni Kenshin. . . .Must . . .resist. . .witty. . .comment. . . .:Kenshin beams authoress on the noggin: Kenshin: "Yay! No Chapter 2! RUN!" Sano: "Too late. FanFictionnet already posted it." Kenshin"(place curse of choice here)"

**Chapter 2**

**Albert**

Sanosuke Sagara practically skipped down the streets of Tokyo. It was a sunshiney perfect day and his sake jug was full. Not with just any sake mind you, but with his special blend that he got from his new buddy down at the gambling place. Autumn Ale he called it. Because, just like the leaves in the Autumn, you'll change five different colors and drop to the ground.

However, Sanosuke wasn't one for sharing things, especially when they cost him this much money. If his buddies found out he had this hard liqour, they'd come knocking on his door for a sip of the stuff. But his buddies don't know about the Kamiya dojo, and the residents of said dojo weren't much for drinking. His precious alcohol would be safe there.

"Oi, Ken-EW!" Sano stopped his greeting short when his nose was greeted with an imposing smell as he entered the dojo gates. Clinching his nostrils shut, the tall fighter made his way over to the rurouni where he stood petrifyed in place, hands crinkling the paper they held as his wide eyes stared off into an unknown universe we like to call "La-La Land."

"Heh heh. Jou-chan's cooking again, eh?" Sanosuke chuckled awkwardly with the airways of his nose closed off.

No response. Not even a reproval for his comment being insensitive to Kaoru's feelings or anything like that. Nothing.

"Kenshin?" Sano tried as he put a hand to the rurouni's shoulder.

"GAH!" Kenshin screamed as he let the paper fall to the ground.

Sano jumped back in surprise as well, but more to the fact that the rurouni was now hanging on him and blubbering gibberish than to his scream of surprise.

"I killed Albert! It was me! I was tardy, that I was! It was only an hour! How was I supposed to know? Kaoru-dono will be sure to avenge his death. I'm a dead man! May Kami-sama have mercy on my blood-stained soul!"

(SLAP!)

Kenshin let go of his tight grip on Sanosuke's jacket and put a hand to the warm red flesh of his cheek, shocked.

"Snap out of it!" Sano commanded. Then, eyeing the "special drink" slung over his shoulder, smiled and stated proudly "This stuff works wonders long distance too."

Kenshin eyed the jug of wonders himself and made a running leap for it. "GIMME!"

"What the-" Sanosuke found his precious sake disappear in god-like speed and reappear across the yard near the koi pond much the same way. By the time he reached the red-haired thief, Kenshin had already downed a few gulps. However, it didn't seem that Kenshin was getting much more than that down his throat. Not because he couldn't handle his liqour mind you, but because it seemed the rurouni was having a hard time aligning the mouth of the jug with the mouth on his face.

Sanosuke swiped thecontainer away from Kenshin's wavering hands and clonked his red-headed noggin with the jug for good measure, landing the rurouni on his rear. "**_What_** is going on?" Sano finally asked.

"Feed the koi. . . hic. . . read the note . . .hic . . . poor Albert . . . hic,hic"

Sanosuke cocked an eyebrow. "Albert?"

Kenshin merely pointed to the decaying mass floating in the pond.

"Oh." Then, placing his hand back over his nose stated, "So that's our little stinker, is it?" The smell had increased in this area, which meant that they had to bury the body before it got any worse. Sano grabbed the net that sat next to the pond and reached out to bag the deceased koi.

(SMACK!)

"OW!" Sanosuke cried as a sheathed Sakabatou royally came down on his skull. "What was-"

"Shush!" the rurouni ordered with a finger over his mouth. "You'll wake him!"

"Huh? Who?"

Kenshin rolled his eyes as he shakily stood and crossed his arms across his chest impatiently, as if Sanosuke couldn't be **_this _**stupid. Then, when his patience reached it's limits and Sano could do nothing but stare, Kenshin pointed at the late Albert with a fist on his hip and scowl on his face. "Now look! His beauty sleep is ruined! Shame on you and your reckless ways!"

The fighter's mouth dropped as he followed the rurouni's finger to the still motionless koi. He knew Kenshin was a weak drinker, but still that wasn't much of an excuse for. . .

Wait a minute. How much **_did_** Kenshin drink anyway? Sanosuke shook his sake jug. Empty. "Aw crap."

(SMACK!)

"Watch your language, mister!" Kenshin hissed as his sakabatou was once again acquainted with Sanosuke's cranium. "Now I demand you repent for the sins you have committed!"

"B-but how do I do that" Sano asked, slightly intimidated by this moodier Kenshin.

"Sing!"

"SING?"

"Albert needs a lullaby to get back to sleep," Kenshin said as he sheathed his sword. "I suggest you get crackin'."

Sanosuke rubbed the sore spot on his head with Kenshin's choice of words. Obviously Kenshin was quite a crabby drunk when he wanted to be, but there was no way on heaven or earth Sanosuke Sagara was going to sing a lullaby to a dead fish named Albert. "Kenshin," the fighter called, to which the saused rurouni turned his attention. "You have a much better voice than I do. Won't you do the honors?"

Kenshin seemed momentarily flattered, but quickly declined and suggested he hurry up.

Sanosuke never memorized any songs, let alone lullabies. He whistled and hummed random notes everywhere he went. Just when all seemed doomed, a little ditty popped into his head and began the song without thinking. As long as it was a song he really didn't care.

"I love goldfishes 'cause they're so delicious.  
Gone goldfishin'!  
I could eat them everyday.  
And my mom says that's-"

"PHILISTINE!" came an angry voice from behind.

Sanosuke had just enough time to realize his mistake before impact was once again made between (yep. you guessed it.).

The rurouni plopped himself down in front of the pond and mumbled about having to do everything himself. Sanosuke took this opportunity to sneak off and grab the note that drove his best friend to drink.

_Kenshin,_

_With Albert's food, make sure to add the pink pellets along with the normal brown ones. It's his medication and it's important that he gets it and ON TIME! He's diabetic and can easily go into diabetic shock if he doesn't. Albert is the only koi I have left that was father's. I'm trusting you with his life._

_Kaoru_

Ouch. Sanosuke looked over to the drunk red head. He saw this situation in a whole new light now. No wonder his level headed friend had dove for the jug. Sano had to help his buddy through this. He couldn't just stand by and watch him fall apart like this.

"I brush against the freckles that I hated so. . . . hic"

That sealed it. Anyone brought to the point of singing the opening theme needed all the help they could get. The fighter grabbed Kenshin by the arm and flew out the dojo gates, determination in his eyes.

"Oro! Where are we going?"

Sanosuke gave him a reassuring smile. "We're gonna go save your rurouni butt, but we have to do it before Jou-chan gets home."

"Orororo-hic-rororororo"

-

A/N: No, I have never heard of a diabetic koi. There's probably no such thing and probably never will be. Do I care? Not particularly. When I write a drama, then I'll care. Until then, VIVA LA INSANITY! I was laughing all through the part of Sanosuke singing that goldfish song. It's odd, but I think it deserves a chuckle or two. And Kenshin's reaction had my friend squirtin' Mountain Dew through her nose. So. . .yeah. Review. Or I'll send the spiked Kenshin after you! hehe Hope you know some lullabies . . .


End file.
